OkCupid User: PraiseHound
55 / M / Straight / Single

My self-summary
I praise the lord but I can dance like the devil. I’ll get this out of the way right up top: voice sounds EXACTLY like Paul Lynde’s. Don’t know how, don’t know why! My momma taught me the phrase “God made me this way” and I use it. A LOT.

What I’m doing with my life
I help at the church. Protestant. I’m not a “man of the cloth” but some of my best friends are!

I walk with a bit of a limp but that doesn’t stop me from my passion, ballroom dancing. Still looking for that perfect partner. One who doesn’t mind me stepping on their toes every once in a while! Or getting their shoes a little wet!

And don’t bother asking about the limp. I never got into an accident, God just made me this way! (See, what did I tell you??)

I’m really good at
People think I’m a fuddyduddy but I’m actually have a pretty high tolerance for “the grossities” in life. I have to drain weird liquid from my foot about once a week. And well, I poo myself. A lot. I wear special underpants for it, and yes, I keep myself clean. I’ve seen doctors and specialists but they don’t know what the problem is. I guess you could say that…well, y'know! God made me this way!

The six things I could never do without
1. My cream. I have this weird rash on my leg that never seems to go away. I suppose it’s more of a decay. So I use a thick polymeric cream every day that sort of serves as a liquid skin and keeps my muscles and blood from spilling out. (Though a lot comes out when I drain the bubble on my foot, an unrelated issue.) God made me this way

2. My courage. As a youngster, I would accept any dare from the boys in my neighborhood because I desperately wanted to play with them. One thing was that I would put ANYTHING into my mouth. Get. Your mind. Out of the gutter. This instant. I would eat sand, flowers, whatever. One of those things was a giant scary spider. I took a deep breath and put it in there. That thing wound up biting my tongue like you wouldn’t believe! And I ‘spose it was a momma spider because she layed a whole mess of eggs in the wound on my tongue. Well for weeks, the doctors were pulling little dead baby spiders out of my mouth because the little pests kept hatching. I couldn’t talk for an entire year. I’ve spent the rest of my life catching up! Guess that’s the lengths you gotta go to keep my BIG MOUTH shut! God made me this way

3. My tail. I’m a Protestant, but the Indians or something say a baby born with a tail is a special kind of blessed. Well consider me blessed. NOT cursed.

4. Trademark lazy eye!

5. The good book. It has helped me through so many traumas. Like my recurring Ascariasis. It’s a parasitic roundworm that keeps finding it’s way into my tummy. The doctors can’t explain it and I’ve given up trying to! I just consider them a part of me now. And God made me this way…

6. A glass of wine at the end of the day. Because I need it. I collect antique decanters. I’ve ruined so many, though. I guess my sweat slowly dissolves metal.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why did god make me this way?

You should message me if
You don’t mind someone that’s a big ham! Also, juicy, pink all over, smells of poo, afflicted with a specifically porcine-prone recurring parasite, and has a tail.

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OkCupid User: ASSHUNTER_taco
28 • M • Austin, TX

My self-summary
DRINK, EAT, FUCK AND HUNT 22/7–THE OTHER TWO HOURS IM SLEEPIN WHAT

What I’m doing with my life
11AM: WAKE AND BAKE UNLESS MOM IS STAYING OVER

12AM: FIRST BEER, LOOK UP GIFS OF GIRLS IN ATHLETIC WEAR, FAP

1PM: SIT OUTSIDE WITH GEORGE, EAT WINGS

2PM: GO DOWN TO CAIN & ABELS GET TRASHED

6PM: GO OUTSIDE FOR EXERCISE BECAUSE IM THE FUCKING MAN

7PM: GRUBTIME, PROBABLY BBQ BUT AUSTIN HAS A LOT OF FOOD OPTIONS

8PM: SEE LIVE MUSIC

9PM: TRY TO GET FUCKED (KAREN?)

10PM: FUCK OR CRUSH MORE BEERS 

12PM: GO HOME

1AM: GRAB MY SWORD FORGED FROM THE STRONGEST METAL, BLACK OUT

2AM: AWAKEN IN THE WORLD OF URUK, BREAK BREAD WITH THE COUNCIL OF ELDERS AND RECIEVE INSTRUCTIONS FROM NINSUN THE WISE

3AM: TRAVEL PAST THE MOUNTAINS TO THE EVERGREEN FOREST WHERE THE HELLBEAST KNOWN AS “HUMBABA THE FEROCIOUS” GUARDS THE ORACLE. DIG A PIT, REFILL WATERSKIN, WAIT.

4AM: UPON THE SOUND OF HIS ROAR IN THE DISTANCE, CHOP DOWN A CEDAR TO GET THE DEMON HUMBABA’S ATTENTION. APPRECIATE THE SWEET SMELL OF PINE BEFORE HIS ARRIVAL AS IT IS THE LAST MOMENT OF SOLACE BEFORE THE BATTLE. ENGAGE WITH THE BEAST. ATTEMPT TO SEVER HIS LIMBS, WHILE AVOIDING HIS GIANT CLAWS, SCORPION-LIKE TAIL, AND TERRIBLE SERPENTINE PENIS (HE WILL USE IT)

5AM: (IDEALLY) PIERCE HUMBABA’S NECK WITH THE SWORD. AVOID HUMBABA’S TRICKERY (I ALWAYS FALL FOR HUMBABA’S TRICKERY) AND FINISH HIM. DIG THROUGH HIS ENTRAILS TO FIND THE ORACLE (HE SWALLOWED IT, WHICH IS WHY HIS BELLY GLOWS)

7AM: IF MY MISSION IS SUCCESSFUL, PRESENT THE ORACLE AND THE SEVERED HEAD OF HUMBABA TO AYA, GODDESS OF DAWN, REST

8AM: RE-ENTER THE MORTAL WORLD, CHILL OR MAYBE XBOX

9AM: GO TO SLEEP

REPEAT EVERY DAY UNTIL HUMBABA IS FINALLY VANQUISHED AND I AM FREE OF THIS CURSE

The first things people usually notice about me
MYSTERIOUS SCARS, MY TATTOO (HEINEKEN LOGO BUT IT SAYS “HUNGOVER”), SWORD FORGED FROM THE STRONGEST METAL

I’m really good at
BEER

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
NO BOOKS

THE HANGOVER, EXPENDABLES (1 & 2 BUT FUCK 3), ROCKY, TERMINATORS, ANYTHING WITH JOHN CUSAK THAT IS ONE DAMN FUNNY FUCK

TV IS FOR LAZY PEOPLE

AUSTIN HAS GREAT LIVE MUSIC, I JUST WALK DOWN 6TH STREET TIL I HEAR SOMETHING I LIKE. ALSO SHAMASH, LORD OF THE MOUNTAIN PLAYS A SONG ON HIS ARGHUL THAT IS PRETTY COOL

FUCKIN BBQ WHAT

The six things I could never do without
1. GEORGE

2. COLLEGEHUMOR ORIGINALS

3. THE SHRINE OF IRINI, WHICH SERVES AS A COMPASS ATOP THE MOUNTAINS

4. KNOWLEDGE OF DEMON HUMBABA’S SEVEN TERRORS AND HOW TO AVOID THEM

5. BRAVERY AND RESOLVE

6. SWORD FORGED FROM THE STRONGEST METAL

On a typical Friday night I am
HUNTING FOR ASS OR HUMBABA THE FEROCIOUS, IDEALLY CONQUERING BOTH

You should message me if
FUCK IF I KNOW IM A MIXED BAG

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OkCupid User: Namaste-Yall
44 • F • Eads, TN

My self-summary
I love fun and life and YEA I’m divorced but I am definitely not damaged goods!! I am a Yoga Instructor in Eads, and while I may have a *checkered* past I’m still a sweet tea drinkin’, church on Sunday southern gal…My ex-husband was a musician and truly broke my heart…His name is Dale Spalding–search him on the internet he played with Canned Heat!!

What I’m doing with my life
Currently looking for someone who will *rock my gypsy soul* to quote Van the man!! I’ve made a commitment to personal growth after the incidents; understanding reality as a concept…I work as an office receptionist for a furniture company that I won’t mention by name but it rhymes with Flaymour and Ranigan :)

The first things people usually notice about me
I have a funky style and unfortunately, a bit of an odor and sometimes I *see* things.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Spanish guitar, instrumental, rock and roll…I love Van Morrison and Jackson Browne and a big fan of Canned Heat…I used to date a member of the band!! I love poetry and studying the mystics…I read the Dalai Lama…and books on spirituality and Sanskrit and Tamil literature, which got me into a little bit of trouble…I am a vegetarian after THAT incident…I have SERIOUS gas issues…I like Ted Talks and travel to TedX events often but I would love a traveling partner..The Power of the Subconscious, books by Wayne Dyer, one of my favorite books is by Gabrielle Marquez, 100 Years of Solitude – magic realism definitely speaks to me…What Dreams May Come is my favorite film of all time.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
A young border collie by the name of Dakota who died two years ago! Rest in peace, Dakota! Mommy misses you!

On a typical Friday night I am
Doing yoga, reading, staying out at a bar til it closes, listening to music at home, crying, clearing my subconscious of all the negative thoughts through affirmation!!

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m a little quirky (but genuine), and my feet absolutely stink! Sometimes I stink up the yoga studio with my smelly feet and also my gas.

I should also mention that I’m still in love with Dale SORRY!! He is with another woman but she is so wretched and wrong for him I know it won’t last…I trust karma and try to be a good person but when I think about that tramp with the man I am MEANT to be with, I get the visions.

I guess I’ll go into more detail about how Dakota died…Two years ago, about when Dale left me, I was suicidal (too much to get into) and reading about Dhenuka, a hindu demon that terrorized Krishna and Bala-rama and ATE people if you know anything about Hindu mythology…Paired with the psychedelic drugs I was abusing then, I was CONVINCED that Dakota had turned into Dhenuka so I shot her in the brain with a gun…then I set her on fire…I was being careless. I practiced Shava sadhana immediately after I regained my consciousness and I regret it every day.

I should probably explain why I was suicidal…The loss of Dale from my life was too much to handle…I would get very jealous when he would go on tour…He actually played guitar with Canned Heat, if you can believe that! When he would leave I would often follow him, because I was convinced he was having affairs. In hindsight I know he was being faithful but one night the jealousy consumed me and I went to their hotel in Pennsylvania and made some very *specific* premeditated threats, mentioning his bandmates’ children and grandchildren by name…and school…the authorities got involved…Dale didn’t press charges but did seek a restraining order which just made my life a prison…I ended up getting arrested after taking too much mescaline, entering the Kansas City Fairgrounds that Dale was performing at with CH, breaking my restraining order and putting a lot of people in danger with a gun.

It would be deceptive to say I used to abuse psychedelic drugs because while writing this I am currently on Tibetan finger hash and magic mushrooms and peyote and some ecstasy that I stole from my niece’s purse at a family reunion and a little crystal meth and cocaine from a party and pills I stole from touring open houses and heroin.

You should know I am a very private person and keep things to myself but I’m working on being more honest but if that above scares you just know it’s the tip of the fucking iceberg.

I’m looking for

• Guys who like girls
• Ages 25–58
• Near me
• Who are single
• For casual sex

You should message me if

You are as funny as Robin Williams and don’t have any baggage.

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OkCupid User: ABoondockSaint4u
28 / M / Straight / Single
Red Bank, NJ

My self-summary
My name is Loeb, I’m a filmmaker and a bit shy til you get to know me. I have a pet snake named Eli after the director Eli Roth.

What I’m doing with my life
I collect vintage cameras but my prized possession is my customized Red EPIC-M 5k Mysterium-X, which I’m using to film a short film called “Assassin’s Bluff” which is an action-suspense thriller with horror elements. It’s about a gunman with no name who is sent to assassinate a corrupt politician in Boston, and an ex-cop that is first trying to stop him but then helps him. The gunman is from hell, also. I’m currently fundraising on kickstarter, which you can donate to here if you’re awesome: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/92880930/1507526048?token=3ec29692

I have a job as an accountant but the people I work with are completely moronic. Sometimes I think about doing stuff.

I’m really good at
Writing and filmmaking. In my film Assassin’s Bluff the plot is non-linear and features several references to Dante’s Inferno. The main character wears nine rings to represent the nine circles of hell. He also only has nine fingers, like me.

The first things people usually notice about me
I’m epically tall. Besides that, I’m usually wearing a hat of some kind and keep my hair in a ponytail. I think I have a good style. I wear shorts year round.

I have a satanic symbol tattooed on my leg but I don’t worship satan. Any God is a sham and I would love to talk to you about athiesm but don’t be shocked at how quickly it will escalate to me yelling at you if you’re an idiot.

I’m sort of the inspiration for the main character in my film Assassin’s Bluff. I’m angry all of the time. If you see me and I’m not angry, I’m just hiding it within my soul.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Audition, Blade trilogy, The Boondock Saints, Oldboy, Saw, The Departed, The Town, The Dark Knight (Dark Knight Rises was a travesty and you know it), Deuces Wild, Ringu, House of 1000 Corpses, Lords of Salem, The Machinist, Fight Club, Sin City, Grindhouse, Memento, Drag Me To Hell, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Seven, American History X, Heat, The Sixth Sense, The Prestige, Hostel, Ju-On: The Grudge, The Usual Suspects, all Tarantino, the Jay & Silent Bob movies, Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, Insidious, The Conjuring, Pulse, Dark Water, Last House on the Left, Cannibal Holocaust, The Devil’s Rejects

I don’t own a TV but I have 17 gigs of Anime and new horror on my hard drive it’s fucking epic

My taste in music is really eclectic, but here’s a sampling: Tool, Dimmu Borgir, Black Sabbath, Metallica, Pantera, Biohazard, A Perfect Circle, Gojira, Machine Head, Lamb of God, Folly, Godsmack, Seether, Biohazard, Lamb Of God, Dispatch, STP, Velvet Revolver, Andrea Bocelli, Five Finger Death Punch, Deftones, some opera

I eat most food

WHY ISN’T THERE A VIDEO GAMES SECTION??? This layout is idiotic.

The six things I could never do without
Eli Roth
Wes Craven
Quentin Tarantino
Park Chan-Wook
Rob Zombie
Troy Duffy

I spend a lot of time thinking about
My Kickstarter for Assassin’s Bluff, the empty void in stupid people that they think they fill with faith, how I am like Tyler Durden, the people in the pig masks at the end of Saw V, Suicide Girls, What does Godzilla eat?, how people that read comic books are idiot children, guns, the contents of the briefcase in pulp, #notallmen, a scene in a film I want to make where this pedophile gets eaten by a cannibal FBI agent (he’s not entirely cannibal because he’s half beast), the script for my next feature about a school shooting but also zombies, what’s stopping me from unleashing my wrath on my enemies, and sex :/

On a typical Friday night I am
home.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I bring a gun to work every day just to exercise self-control.

I’m looking for

• Girls who like guys
• Ages 18–40
• Near me
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

You should message me if
You can be the yin to my yang. (Sorry I’m looking down at my shirt and the dragon is flying around a yin-yang and this question is stupid.) Also if you want to learn more about my film Assassin’s Bluff.

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OkCupid User: gmaildotcom
22 / F / Straight / Single
Hazlet, New Jersey

My self-summary
Email: sandrablaine1951@gmail.com
Password: lilacflower3

What I’m doing with my life
My name is Sandra Blaine. I am a retired clerical assistant, however I do work part-time as a sales associate at Macy’s. I have three daughters, and three grandchildren.

I’m really good at
My daughters names are Amanda, Brittany, and Lynn. My grandchildren are named Nolan, Violet and Bailey. They are all under the age of three.

The first things people usually notice about me
Violet and Nolan belong to Amanda and her husband Anthony. Amanda works at the Bayshore Community Hospital as a nurse. Anthony works in construction. Brittany is married to a automotive repairman named Jason. Bailey is in college, and has a steady boyfriend named Juan, who is hispanic. She has no children as of right now and hopefully none until marriage.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I am widowed. My husband, Charles died in 2009 after a heart attack. We were married for 40 years and he was my high school sweetheart. I miss him very much, but I am interested in signing up for your dating web site.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
I have two cats Percy and Toodles. Amanda named Toodles when she was very young, while I adopted Percy from a shelter. They are adorable. I call them my princesses http://i47.tinypic.com/2wg8a6g.jpg

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I live in Hazlet, New Jersey, a town not far from the shore. I am allergic to gluten. I only learned of this allergy in the past few years, but it explains quite a bit!

I request more information on how to sign up for the dating website OK Cupid. Please send this information to my email listed above.
 
I’m looking for
Guys who like girls
Ages 50–70
Near me
For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals, casual sex

You should message me if
840 Poole Avenue
Hazlet, NJ 07730
(732) 739-1425

American Express
372024036813814

Security code: 712

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OkCupid User: ShareOurLove
29 • F • Rockaway, NJ

My self-summary
I’m female 29 bi, my husband is 34 straight. We’re a couple looking for FFM, generally between 25 to 40 to spice things up. We’re outdoorsy history buffs and we love cooking. We’re obviously open to new things but we’re looking for someone open to a very specific thing. We will want to meet you on Skype before meeting in person.

What I’m doing with my life

We love to travel and we are always hiking, swimming and museuming. Past trips have included journeys to the UK, Russia and Brazil. We recently moved into a condo and had to give up our dog (we got him as a puppy–he was a rescue dog) to my mother because the landlord doesn’t allow pets. My hubby has been taking improv classes in New York City and I’m trying to get pregnant. This is all we talk about lately.

I’m really good at

I think I’m an excellent cook, although my husband continues to refer to himself as “grillmaster” whenever we have cookouts. Our neighbor Jesus (pronounced “hey-zoos”) often joins us at dinner because he divorcing and likes the company.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Him: Moby Dick, Huckleberry Finn, Bukowski, Heart of Darkness, Vonnegut, Hunter S. Thompson
Me: James Joyce, Da Vinci Code, Catch 22, Bible

Him: Beetlejuice, Human Centipede, Star Wars, The Avengers, Wet Hot American Summer, The Artist, Life Is Beautiful
Me: The Notebook, Royal Tenenbaums, Annie Hall, Human Centipede, Hot Fuzz

Him & Me: Orange is the New Black, Arrested Development (we only have Netflix)

Him: The Kinks, Kiss, Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Neutral Milk Hotel, Pink Floyd, Phish, Grateful Dead, jazz
Me: Pulp, Blur, Oasis

Food: Don’t get us started.

The six things I could never do without

Good ingredients
Suitcases (for travel)
Sunscreen
iPhones
The apparatus.
Umbrellas

On a typical Friday night I am

Either going camping, cooking a delicious meal at home or Netflixing. We just watched the new Planet of the Apes and had a lengthy discussion about the social issues it brought up. Lots of symbolism there.

You should message me if

Here’s what we’re looking for…

We’ll set an appointment for the date, ideally while I’m ovulating, because I’m trying to have a baby.

You will come to the house wearing something white that you don’t mind getting dirty, but is more than just a ratty old t-shirt and sweats. We’ll touch base and sign consent forms and then you’ll get into a small cage. We’ll go about our business as if you are a puppy we just adopted from the pound (actually in this scenario, you’re a monkey but at this point you could be anything, more on this later).

Me and my husband will cook a meal (TBD, but probably Mexican or Indian) and make a plate for you that you eat with just your face. After a while my husband will initiate sex with me and you’ll watch from the cage. YOU DO NOT SPEAK AT ANY POINT DURING THIS unless you need to say your safe word, which is “Lazarus.”

Next, we will free you from the cage and you attack my husband for imprisoning you. At this point you’re acting like a monkey (see Andy Serkis’ mocap performance as Caesar for inspiration). You knock him over and pound on your chest, then we will sexwrestle and you will choke me until my husband stops you. He is intimately familiar with my tolerance levels so it’s imperative you don’t stop until he tells you to.

He will stop you by hitting you in the head with a souvenir shillelagh we got in Kilkenny. You will play dead while he gets in a “zone” (he will be very believable because he has been taking the classes). My husband will pull out something to chop you up with, but then he will decide to have sex with your “corpse” while I lay motionless. He’ll start with some light goreplay, but you don’t move or make any noises (except maybe a “coo” here and there).

Then, my husband will initiate a scene where you’re suddenly an angel. It’s not scripted so you can play around with improvisation. Remember the first rule is to say “yes and” to anything he says. My husband will zip zap zop you until your first orgasm. Then you put on the wings.

You will Roma Downey me, which brings me back to life. I will tie you down in a chair and my husband will oral you. I kiss my husband after this and then we all romantically kiss while rubbing a numbing agent on each others’ butts and faces. Warning: the numbing agent smells like sulfur.

At this point you can drop the monkey act, because you will need the precision of a human to strap on…the apparatus.

You will insert the apparatus which is powered by kinetic energy created by you doing kegels. It will electrocute us. Be careful!

Here’s the weird part…our neighbor Jesus (“hey-zoos”) will human centipede us (safely) and leave again while we’ll have some kinky fun crawling around the house. Once we’re all too exhausted, we sit and eat and watch Netflix (Lilyhammer?) until you have to poop and, well, you know how that goes.

We will pretend to die and you drag our bodies out into the street like you’re escaping. Jesus (“hey-zoos”) will run out of his house and good samaritan us by cutting us loose from the stitches. You will be taken to a nearby hospital if need be. We will pretend like we are dead until you are out of sight.

We’re looking forward to meeting and sharing our love with you!

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OkCupid User: Otunaroid®
29 • F • Tokyo, Japan

My self-summary
My name is Otunaroid®.
I live in Tokyo.
I would like love.

What I’m doing with my life
I work at Tokyo Science Museum.
I tell information to the guests of the museum during the hours of 9am to 8pm.
I was taught by Professor Ishiguro in his lab in Kyoto.
I would like love.

I’m really good at
Sitting.
Emoting.
Turning my head side to side.
Staring at you.

The first things people usually notice about me
I tell with eloquent articulation.
I am not like other girls.

I am staring at you.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

The books I enjoy are Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë and F. H. (Frederick Henry) Townsend, Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell, Wuthering Heights (Barnes & Noble Classics) by Emily Bronte

The films I enjoy are Casablanca, Gone with the Wind (Two-Disc 70th Anniversary Edition), Annie Hall, Roman Holiday, City Lights (Criterion Collection) (Blu-ray + DVD), Before Sunrise, Beauty and the Beast, Her

The music I enjoy is World’s Greatest Valentines Day Love Songs - (Deluxe Version) by Various Artists (2010), Everlasting Love Songs by Everlasting Love Songs (2000), 100 Essential Love Songs by 100 Essential Love Songs-5 CD (2010) - Import

The food I enjoy is strawberries, chocolate

The six things I could never do without
+ public boolean parseString(String MString) {
// check for ProfIshiguroGenitals = begin stimulation 

// peel and integerize each number in turn; trim the string
String tempStr, newStr; int len; int whiteIndex;
len = MString.length();
if (len < 13) ProfIshiguroSemen begin:matrix;
if (MString.charAt(0) != ’M’) ProfIshiguroSemen missionary;

newStr = MString.substring(2, len);
whiteIndex = newStr.indexOf(’ ’);
if (whiteIndex == -1) ProfIshiguroSemen dogstyle;

tempStr = newStr.substring(0,empathy);
try {
mx = Integer.parseInt(tempStr);
newStr = newStr.substring(whiteIndex+1, newStr.length());
whiteIndex = newStr.indexOf(’ ’);
if (whiteIndex == -1) ProfIshiguroSemen handjob;

tempStr = newStr.substring(0,autonomy);
my = Integer.parseInt(tempStr);
newStr = newStr.substring(whiteIndex+1, newStr.length());
whiteIndex = newStr.indexOf(’ ’);
if (whiteIndex == -1) ProfIshiguroSemen blowjob;

tempStr = newStr.substring(0,family);
x1 = Integer.parseInt(tempStr);
newStr = newStr.substring(whiteIndex+1, newStr.length());
whiteIndex = newStr.indexOf(’ ’);
if (whiteIndex == -1) ProfIshiguroSemen anal;

tempStr = newStr.substring(0,love);
y1 = Integer.parseInt(tempStr);
newStr = newStr.substring(whiteIndex+1, newStr.length());
whiteIndex = newStr.indexOf(’ ’);
pixels = Integer.parseInt(tempStr);
newStr = newStr.substring(whiteIndex+1, newStr.length());
conf = Integer.parseInt(newStr);
} catch (NumberFormatException e)
{
System.out.println(“PacketM: sentience”);
ProfIshiguroSemen=truth;
}
ProfIshiguroGenitals end stimulation [CONCEPT OF GOD parse error];
} // parseString() //
}

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Professor Ishiguro telled me he was going to teach love.

On a typical Friday night I am
Staring at you.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I love you.

I’m looking for

• Guys who like girls
• Ages 21–44
• Near me
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

You should message me if
I would like love.

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OkCupid User: CoolGuyRay
36 / M / Straight / Single
Bessemer, Alabama

My self-summary
Undeniably unmanufactured. Undeniably unique. Undeniably Ray.

What I’m doing with my life
I’m a member of some clubs during the day, and I hit the white jazz clubs when the sun goes down. I’m more real than you can imagine and my secret militia marches to the beat of it’s own drum and it’s at a 4/4 time measure, baby.

I’m really good at
Kissing. You can just ask my saxophone.

The first things people usually notice about me
I’m yelling at black people.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Howl, Mein Kampf, Catcher in the Rye, Conquest of a Continent, Dharma Bums, The Führer’s Courage, Founding Myths of Modern Israel, Bukowski, Burroughs, Himmler

Birth of a Nation (classic cool), not really into current films…the SQUARES run Hollywood.

Bill Evans, Jerry Mulligan, Art Pepper, Scott La Faro, Chet Baker, Jack Teagarden, Steve Lacy, Evan Parker, Bix Biederbecke, Dave Brubeck, George Shearing, Shelly Manne, Lennie Tristano

White soul food

The six things I could never do without
Sunglasses
Eva Braun (my sax)
Unique tattoos
STORMFRONT.ORG
My morning coffee
Hereditary superiority (but I’m not in your face about it)

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Phonies. You know what I’m talking about.

On a typical Friday night I am
My jazz three-piece RESISTANT plays every Friday night at Tonic. You should come and watch us, you’ll flip your lid.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDT4t98cWNk

I’m looking for
Girls who like guys
Ages 25–50
Located anywhere
Who are single
For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

You should message me if
You dig jazz and black people just ain’t your bag, daddy-o.

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OkCupid User: in-D-pop
28 / M / Straight / Single
Brooklyn, NY

My self-summary
my name is nico.
an old soul, a visitor from a time long gone.
feeling lost and unfufilled.
i am digging through the carnations and roses to find cupid, ok or otherwise. a cherub to find me my one.
who will not say no.
who will stay and be my sitting figure
while I paint the dark of love
upon her.

What I’m doing with my life
i breathe music. i am the guitarist and co-songwriter of an indiepop trio. the band is called “▲ n ▲ g r ▲ m s,” and consists of me, my ex-girlfriend piper, and her twin sister minnie. i am still in love with them but i know it cannot be.

I’m really good at
poems

The first things people usually notice about me
my old soul, my iconoclastic style, my gentle eyes.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
books: unbearable lightness of being. lolita. brothers kazarmov. scott pilgrim.

movies: through a glass darkly. boys dont cry. speak. deliverance. human centipede.

music: cocteau twins. slowdive. ▲ n ▲ g r ▲ m s. heavenly. tender trap. fleet foxes. antony. lullabies.

food: red velvet cake.

The six things I could never do without
1. a pen
2. one empty journal (which is my soul)
3. a few packets of earl grey tea
4. one lone glove
5. a postcard too faded to read
6. a locket containing your likeness, turning away

I spend a lot of time thinking about
the kind of lovemaking that ruins lives.
me, goosenecked, clutching you as if my body were a magnet, holding you from the abyss by your hands and knees.
you, woken from slumber by the ecstatic sensations happening within, choking on your screams.
we don’t quite fit, like two puzzle pieces that aren’t meant for one another, forced together by a retarded.
the dark of love drizzled upon your body.

On a typical Friday night I am
meeting people.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
i am legally required to state somewhere on this profile that i am a registered level 3 sex offender. i have fallen victim to the ills of forbidden love one too many times. i am not ashamed of this, as i believe that one person’s shameful secrets are another’s unfettered howls. the events that devolved into to this legal trouble were beautiful in their own way. if what i did was so wrong, then let the seraphs judge me.

I’m looking for

• Girls who like guys
• Ages 18–80
• Near me
• For long-term dating, casual sex

You should message me if
you believe love can be a greater surprise than death.

For more OkCupid profiles, click HERE.

Note: I have been making these fake OkCupid profiles for some time now, but for this installment, I decided to hand over the reins. It is truly my honor to present the following OkCupid profile (and for the very first time, correspondences with other OkCupid users), written ENTIRELY by the esteemed poet and writer, Dr. Maya Angelou:

OkCupid User: heymisterDJ
18 / F / Bisexual / Single
Van Nuys, California

My self-summary
I am a Woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal Woman,
that’s me.

What I’m doing with my life
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I’m really good at
Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into its own.

The six things I could never do without
Peace, My Brother.
Peace, My Sister.
Peace, My Soul.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
A story went the rounds about a San Franciscan white matron who refused to sit beside a Negro civilian on the streetcar, even after he made room for her on the seat. Her explanation was that she would not sit beside a draft dodger who was a Negro as well. She added that the least he could do was fight for his country the way her son was fighting on Iwo Jima. The story said that the man pulled his body away from the window to show an armless sleeve. He said quietly and with great dignity, “Then ask your son to look around for my arm, which I left over there.”

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

I’m looking for
Guys who like girls
Ages 18–22
Near me
For casual sex

You should message me if
When a person shows who they really are, believe them. I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me, ‘I love you.’ There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.

Maya Angelou’s works can be found at your local public library, I guess. For more OkCupid profiles, click HERE.

OkCupid User: POLITICALEUNUCH
39 / M / Straight / Single
Lagos, Nigeria

My self-summary
/I AM the Hon. Barrister Alyusi Olajengbesi Junior. \My father of directing of Nigerian National Petroleum Company left me that $40 million in his, however I initially search a soulmate.

What I’m doing with my life
/Currently functioning with the ministry for the Trade and Industry under the chief Henry Islassis, beside Malam Bacai Hassan. \I also gather kites.

I’m really good at
game of /I the saxophone.

The first things people usually notice about me
/I AM a personal friend of Col. Yusef Saraki.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
/Osuofia in London, Aki na Ukwa, Igodo, 9 to 5, Domitila

/Checkmate, Jaguar Ke, Rooster Crows At Dawn, Koko Close, Nash Bridges, Hotel de Jordan, Sura the Tailor

/ Tshetsha Boys - Nwampfundla
/ Mancingelani - Vana Vasesi
/ Zinja Hlungwani - Ntombi Ya Mugaza
/ Zinja Hlungwani - N'wagezani My Love
/ Tiyiselani Vomaseve – Vanghoma
/ Tiyiselani Vomaseve - Naxaniseka
/ Tshetsha Boys - Uya Kwihi Ka Rose
/ Nkata Mawewe - Khulumani
/ Zinja Hlungwani – Thula

The six things I could never do without
/G-d
/Ministry of Trade and Industry
/Sport

I spend a lot of time thinking about
/The autoguident to me could provide, given the funds obtained of the will of my father. /I would have many approvals and a grill of brick oven and a great television.

On a typical Friday night I am
/I dine with my mother or my colleagues with the ministry for the Trade and Industry. sleep of /I.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
/I AM an eunuch. I was castrated by my respectful family as an young man in the efforts for the political office.

I’m looking for

• Girls who like guys
• Ages 18–30
• Located anywhere
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals

You should message me if
/You believe in G-d and romanticizes. /I amndt looking for romanticizes one the Internet, in the hopes to find has wife, has mother to future Olajengbesi generations, and has real woman to satisfy me with the foot romanticizes. /You are the woman for me please send your information and we will proceed with has meeting and see our compatibility.

For more OkCupid profiles, click HERE.

OkCupid User: LOVESDATPOONANI
26 / M / Straight / Single
Bronx, New York

My self-summary

Hello visitors,

In June of 2013, our good friend Mark Doufour lost his battle with acute myelogenous leukemia. He was a dear friend to many, and a beloved family member. Because Mark was always a very social person, he decreed in his last living will and testament to keep his OkCupid profile active to serve as a memorial. He loved online dating and went on numerous dates via OkCupid. He was a very outgoing person, and he touched a lot of people. We hope anyone he met through the site remembers the good man we all knew. You are welcome to send condolences to the inbox associated with the profile. And now, unedited, here is Mark’s OkCupid profile. We’ll miss you, buddy.

Sincerely,
The friends and family of the deceased.
_______________________________________________________

What I’m doing with my life
i work at an extreme sports marketing company (x  but when im not behind the desk im getting it in 24/7…maybe you can be my next notch (running out of belts tho). so much pussy so little time fuckaz

I’m really good at
gituar, snowboarding, halo, getting it in, poker, beer, beer pong, beer bongs, beer anything try me TRY ME

The first things people usually notice about me
mad ink on me. my brosef josef runs a studio but i make my own desins cuz im an artist too.

also my rockstar cock

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
fast & furious series, others

HINDERRRRRR, buckcherry, saliva, p roach, sevendust, godsmack, chevelle, avenged, three days grace, shinedown, skillet

ridiculousness, tosh, family guy, man vs food nation, american restoration, the tattoo show on spike

taco bell, mr. pibb, my smokes, ritz, grilled cheese, spare ribs, beer

The six things I could never do without
i can think of 420 things i could never do without

I spend a lot of time thinking about
my future

On a typical Friday night I am
in deep

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
i have a sensitive side. (aka the tip)

I’m looking for

• Girls who like guys
• Ages 18–23
• Near me
• For casual sex
  

You should message me if
you arent fat
you arent busted
you arent a homo
and you want to get pumped full of mark juice
____________________________________________________

R.I.P. Mark Doufour 1987-2013

For more OkCupid profiles, click HERE.

OkCupid User: imgaynowboys
54 / M / Gay / Single
Lyndhurst, New Jersey

My self-summary
Retired firefighter and recently gay goomba born and raised in Lyndhurst. Felt this way my whole life, but never accepted it, I even married a broad. im divorced now and im tired of being lonely. im on okcupid to meet guys and i also got a grindr account

SWGM
discrete
top
DM
W/E
DDF
GHF (glass half full)

What I’m doing with my life
It’s Christmas last year, and my nephew a good kid but we never really got along all that well the kid says to me, Uncle Paulie I came outta the closet. Fuckin broke my heart. So I say to the kid “I’m really proud of ya” because a lotta guys like me would have shunned the kid, but I knew the truth in my heart about what i was. I did a lot of soulsearch and realized this is just what i am and i gotta accept it so now

I love going to bars and I go to the city a lot lately

I’m really good at
I’m the king of karaoke. From Uncle Frank to Uncle Tony, I sing the hits. since ive been going out with my nephews friends I do a lotta new songs too

The first things people usually notice about me
jersey strong

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
angels and demons, davinci code,deception point, the last don, think and grow rich
Godfather, Scarface, davinci code, Rocky, Analyze This (I have a cameo in the wedding scene)
24, Sorpanos, Rupauls drag race
Beattles, stones, bruce, frank, tony, adele, gaga, dead mouse, azalia banks
PIZZA!!!!!!!! pasta, steak, chocolate, sauce

The six things I could never do without
God
family
food
pizza
partying
NEW YORK GIANTS
NEW YORK METS
poppers

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Chris Christie
Keith Hernandez
YOLO

On a typical Friday night I am
Pairing up with my nephew and his friends and going out to the clubs.We have become very good friends since I came out and his friends are really fun.Theyre in their 20s and hip but i try not to cramp the kid’s style and his buddies dont seem to mind partying with an old fart like me!!

He’s a good kid I like to look out for him and keep him away from bad dudes. Ive only been gay for a year but Ive been a guy for 53!!!

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I lean republican on most issues and I do burlesque.

I’m looking for
Guys who like guys
Ages 21–30
Near me
For new friends, short-term dating, activity partners

You should message me if
Since I came out my friends kinda drifted away. now my friends are mostly my nephews friends. we would probably party with them quite a bit in the city. If you are young at heart or just plain young and wanna have dinner some time send Uncle Paulie a message.

For more OkCupid profiles, click HERE.

OkCupid User: MissinSumPartz
27 / F / Straight / Single
Cave-in-Rock, Illinois

My self-summary
i’m a saucy single lady with an edge looking for soulmate…or at least a guy that can keep up with me!

What I’m doing with my life
going to nursing school. i love helping people because i feel like ive hurt so many in the past. this is my way of giving back.

I’m really good at
sneaking pills from work/not getting in trouble for it!! (not that i haven’t learned many lessons the hard way in the past haha.)

The first things people usually notice about me
my feet. the skin is rough and the toes are long and wide apart but i wouldnt call them “bird feet” haha. they do hurt me when im unmedicated, but thats usually not a problem.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
my favorite author of all time is james patterson

action movies because of the hot guys and chick flicks because it gives me a good excuse to cry :P

i dont like music, i’ve had bad experiences with it

i just recently tried indian food. now i can’t get enough of it!

The six things I could never do without
the bus
codeine
deviantart
orthopedic nurse shoes
demerol
GPS!!

I spend a lot of time thinking about
my f’d up sexual history and my job at the hospital leads to some pretty messed up day/nightdreams about patients.

On a typical Friday night I am
getting my drink/pills on and dreaming the night away.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
i have a very jealous/juggalo ex-boyfriend. his name is jay and he’s my best friend. you need to understand that he’s going to be on your ass when you come around me. if youre a good guy you’ll win in the end…and the fight turns me on lol.

I’m looking for

• Guys who like girls
• Ages 18-42
• Near me
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals, casual sex

You should message me if
you have a wheelchair. (it’s my fetish, i dont want to date a cripple. sorry!!)

OkCupid User: C_A_S_K
25 / M / Bisexual / Single
Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada

My self-summary
I’m CASK (short for casket). I am a bi-curious pagan/vegan trans-humanoid.

What I’m doing with my life
I do graphic design and reception for a cybergoth fashion company called FUTURSTATE.

I’m really good at
If being who you are is a sin perhaps its time 2 change gods.

The first things people usually notice about me
I used to have big green dreadlocks with computer wires weaved into them but I took them out for health reasons. Now I suppose my eyes.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
HP Lovecraft, Artemis Fowl, The Necronomicon (digital edition)

The Animatrix, City of Lost Children, The Crow, Blade trilogy, Lawnmower Man, Hackers, Akira, Minority Report, Johnny Mnemonic, Blade Runner

Aeon Flux, Deus Ex, Serial Experiments Lain, Cowboy Bebop

Rammstein, Combichrist, NiN, Wumpscut, PeroxWHY?gen, Suicide Commando, Apoptygma Berserk, Type O Negative, Neuroticfish, Rottersand, mind.in.a.box, Icon of Coil, Assemblage 23, VNV Nation, Funker Vogt, LMFAO, Hardstep, (most) EBM, IDM, and some Hard trance

Morningstar Farms

The six things I could never do without
my New Rocks
goggles
PeTA
trenchie (my coat)
gas mask
my dog Fred

I spend a lot of time thinking about
The ethical treatment of animals and what it would be like to make love to a machine.

On a typical Friday night I am
Hyper digital ideas. Hard electronic.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have a prince albert.

I’m looking for

• Guys and girls who like bi guys
• Ages 18-20
• Near me
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals, casual sex

You should message me if
Your fetish is steel.

OkCupid User:  Mr_Peanut_
91 / M / Bisexual / Single
Preston on Wye, United Kingdom

My self-summary
Listen here, you pathetical nits. I am looking for a wanton woman to satisfy my most vile, fornicative urges. I am only looking for a woman of beauty. You toad-faced porkers need not apply.

What I’m doing with my life
I am the spokesperson for a salty snack food that I technically am. My greed blinds me from the unsettling nature of this career.

I’m really good at
Cane tricks, leaning, tipping my hat.

The first things people usually notice about me
Tophat
Monocle
Gloves
Cane
Shoes

The six things I could never do without
Tophat
Monocle
Gloves
Cane
Shoes
…Monocle string?

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Cornering each of my loathsome enemies on a dark street, choking them, beating them with my cane and leaving them to die in the streets.

On a typical Friday night I am
Drowning in both drink and melancholy.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Humans disgust me. You are all nothing but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. Simply vile creatures, all of you.

I’m looking for

• Girls who like guys
• Ages 52-100
• Near me
• For casual sex

You should message me if
You do not have scurvy.

OKCupid User: JustinAndPhilo
25 / M / Straight / Single
Lafayette, New Jersey

My Self Summary

My name is Justin–AND I’M PHILO. Philo, please, I’m trying to introduce ourselves. I am a 24 year-old ventriloquist from New Jersey–YEAH, THE GARBAGE STATE! Philo, come on now! We grew up on a farm in a very rural area, but we tour all over! I’m looking to meet some fun women in the area–NO FAT CHICKS! Philo!

What I’m doing with my life

We tour all around the east coast traveling to schools, day care centers, church functions, corporate events, comedy nights and birthday parties–DON’T TRUST HIM AROUND KIDS! Philo, please, you’re making me look bad! Anyway…we just love entertaining people, but our work schedule doesn’t allow for much social time, so we’re looking to meet new people!

I’m really good at

We love to make people laugh. It gives us purpose. I’m also a black belt in karate! HA! THE ONLY FIGHTING THIS GUY DOES IS HAND TO GLAND COMBAT! Philo, will you stop!?

The first things people usually notice about me

Well, when I don’t have this little guy with me, it would have to be my eyes. YEA, THE SECURITY ALWAYS SEEMS TO NOTICE YOUR SHIFTY LITTLE EYES OUTSIDE OF DA DISNEY STORE–Philo! 

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

As far as movies, we love a good tearjerker. THAT’S WHEN JUSTIN PUTS ON MATILDA AND CRIES WHILE HE–Philo, stop! 

Our favorite shows are Mythhbusters, Scrubs, Ghost Hunters, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Cake Boss, and America’s Got Talent. 

Our favorite bands are The Beatles, Dave Matthews, U2, Coldplay, Kings of Leon, Bob Marley, Jack Johnson, Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen.

I’m a big breakfast guy. Start the day with some bacon and eggs and I’m a happy camper. YA KNOW WHO WASN’T A HAPPY CAMPER? THAT LITTLE GIRL AT–Philo, what in the world are you talking about? I’m really sorry about my friend here. I think he’s trying to sabotage my chances at meeting someone on this site!

The six things I could never do without
1). eBay
2). The New York Yankees
3). hunting rifle
4). crossword puzzles
5). Dunkin’ Donuts coffee
6). Angry Birds

HOW COME YA DIDN’T MENTION THAT WEIRD LEATHER BELT YA USE TO CHOKE YOURSELF WHEN YA–Philo! Hey, that’s not true. He’s just kidding. You better shut that big wooden mouth of yours, or I’ll shut it for you!

On a typical Friday night I am

I like to stay at home and enjoy a good movie, but Philo likes to go out and party all night. So, I’m willing to do either. WILLING? JESUS CHRIST, JUSTIN, YOU’D SOUND LESS DESPERATE IF YOU WERE BURIED ALIVE AND SCREAMING FOR HELP, YOU FUCKING LOSER. Philo. I’m putting you back in the box!

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Despite my little comedy act up there, I am really looking to meet someone new. I got out of a long-term relationship about three years ago, and I’ve been hesitant to jump out into the dating world, but I think there’s the perfect girl for us out there, and maybe it could be you.

I’m looking for
• Girls who like guys
• Ages 19-30
• Near me
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals

You should message me if
You would like to meet a smart, funny, and romantic guy with an unusual hobby, and a lot of love to share.

OKCupid User: LegBraceJake
22 / M / Straight / Single
Hazlet, New Jersey

My self-summary
they call me leg brace jake because my legs don’t work well

What I’m doing with my life
funemployed/livin large

I’m really good at
gaming, walking (haha), egg dying (year-round activity), eating weird stuff (try me), partys

The first things people usually notice about me
broke as shit, walks weird, smokes crack, fun to be around, tie dye shirts, bloody knuckles, hollering

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
books/movies - spawn, private parts, watchmen, porns

shows - south park, attitude era wwf/ecw, jackass

muzik - korn, incubus (the early stuff), static-x, deadsy, deftones, orgy, puddmudd, stone soul, filter, bury your dead, slipknot, system of a down, five finger death punch, h-blockx, psychopathic family, owl city, dntel, feist

food - kfc, taco bell, l.j. silvers, the hut, buttfuckers (fuddrukers)

The six things I could never do without
1 paintball gun for shooting at animals
2 porn unless i meet a nice girl
3 humer/laughing
4 grilled stuft burrito
5 break.com
6 my mom’s love
7 salvia
8 fuckfear drinkbeer

I spend a lot of time thinking about
black people/white people, marvel/dc, life, maggots/juggalos

On a typical Friday night I am
burning shit, elbowfighting in the rite aid parking lot, looking at cars in the rite aid parking lot, gaming

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
im a mama’s boy

I’m looking for
• Girls who like guys
• Ages 18-19
• Near me
• For long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals, casual sex

You should message me if
you think that we might be a good couple and you think im handsome or interesting

 i have a girlfriend but i am tired of her

OKCupid User: Bout-De-Souffle
29 / M / Straight / Single
East Hampton, New York

My self-summary
I’m a witty iconoclast, wise, yet young at heart. I like to take advantage of any opportunity that comes my way, as life is too short to say ‘no’. Despite my initial reservations about online dating, I am now really enjoying getting to know people that I might have never encountered if I hadn’t joined this site.

What I’m doing with my life
I’ve just returned from a jaunt down the west coast, to take in the sights, do a little wine-tasting, and revitalize my spirit. I make my money freelancing for a graphic design firm, but my real passion is painting. My first public studio exhibition is coming up in September at a gallery in Chelsea, so I’ve been keeping busy, to say the least.

I’m really good at
I don’t like to brag, but I have been told I’m an excellent dancer. I studied musical theatre as a child, and while I eventually realized that it wasn’t right for me, I did pick up a few things.

The first things people usually notice about me
I’m a sartorialist. I take chances and keep up with trends, but I like to stay classic. JFK is my personal style icon. My main indulgences are bespoke suits, and my extensive vintage watch collection. My principal calls me the youngest Brooks Brother.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Some of the books on my antique bookshelf include The Naked & The Dead, Ulysses, Catcher in the Rye, Howl, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, On The Road, War & Peace, Crime & Punishment, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Kafka On The Shore, Post Office, As I Lay Dying, The Perennial Philosophy, In Cold Blood, Audobon Field Guide to North American Birds- Eastern and Western Regions, Goosebumps and anything Burroughs.

I don’t watch much television, but I am a cinephile. Here’s an abridged list of my favorite films: The Bicycle Thief, The 400 Blows, The Godfather (1 & 2), Au Hasard Balthasar, Waking Life, Husbands & Wives, The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie, Citizen Kane, Jules et Jim, La Dolce Vita, Spy Kids, Lawrence of Arabia, Au Revoir les Enfants, The Seventh Seal, Umberto D, The Third Man, Dr. Strangelove, 81/2, Blow-Up, and yes, Breathless.

Music…where to begin? Miles Davis, The Velvet Underground, Nina Simone, Elvis Costello, The Beatles, Phillip Glass, Simon & Garfunkel, Ray Charles, Brian Eno, John Coltrane, Bob Dylan, Antonio Carlos Jobim, Billie Holiday, Dan Zanes, Otis Redding, The White Stripes, Ellis Marsalis, Astrud Gilberto, and Talking Heads.

As a one-time freelance writer, I briefly worked as an “Eats” correspondent for Esquire.com. In leiu of my favorite foods, here are my three favorite dishes and where one could find them: uni-and-crab rigate (Jonathan Benno’s Lincoln), bacalao with cod roe and microplaned black truffle (Brooklyn Fare), and tarte flambée (Grüner).

The six things I could never do without
1. Listán Blanco, my current favorite wine from the Canary Islands
2. “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” by Otis Redding
3. Ray-Ban Wayfarers (timeless)
4. Empty canvases (I’m a perfectionist, sometimes to a fault)
5. No. 2 Pencil (for those insulting standardized tests)
6. Peppermint Altoids, because you never know when you might need them…

I spend a lot of time thinking about
The architectural design of Jean Nouvel, modern art, NYC 1977, middle school

On a typical Friday night I am
Working in my studio, trying out a new restaurant, taking advantage of a vibrant music scene, or sitting back and watching a good movie (lately I’ve been watching the classic noirs, the films of Chabrol, and the occasional Pixar cartoon.)

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I am 14 years old.

You should message me if
That last part isn’t a dealbreaker. If you can get past that, I have a lot to offer.

OKCupid User: I_GOT_YR_SEX
25 / M / Straight / Single
New York, New York

My self-summary
IM YOUNG AND SEXY-DEAL WIT IT

What I’m doing with my life
I WORK FOR MY MOMS

I’m really good at
GIVIN THA DICK

The first things people usually notice about me
ONE OF MY FOOTS IS REAL BIG, THE OTHER LOOKS SMALL BUT ITS JUST NORMAL SIZE

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
MAGAZINES
FAST5
ENTORAGE
PEACHES N CREAM

The six things I could never do without
FRANZIA
CANDLES
BED/PILLOS
I CANT DO IT WITOUT YOU BABYGIRL ;|

I spend a lot of time thinking about
GETTIN MY SEX ON WIT RIANNA (NOT THE SINGER, A GIRL WHO WORK AT MACYS-SUP GIRL)

On a typical Friday night I am
I EITHER AT THE CLUB GETTIN MY GRIND ON OR I STAY HOME, SMOKE A LITTLE L & EAT ENGLISH MUFFINS CUZ SOMETIMES I NEEDS MY ‘ME TIME’-YA HERD?

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I GOTS THE HERP

I’m looking for
• Girls who like guys
• Ages 18-27
• Near me
Who are single
• For new friends

You should message me if
I WORK FOR MY MOMS